Monday, 7 June 2010

maaf ku tak bisa memilih dirimu


actually i'm in a very silly dillema rite now. aku dapat interview untuk jadi lecturer UCSI (sape suruh gatal mintak kan sekali dapat). the interview is this wednesday 9th june. masa aku dok kat sekolah hari tu mmg excited dan berkobar-kobar nak g interview. i was like "this is my chance of improving things and proving things. an opportunity to a wider new world, new horizon. a dream job, i guess"

have been asking lotsa ppl about whether i shud take it or leave it.
some were encouraging and some told me to think back about what i've got now.

what i've got now?

heart-rending heart-pounding stubborn students.
responsibilities that i couldn't afford.
not a society i wish i'd live in where judging is the main concern. so typical Malaysian.
too many fingers pointing saying i'm the one for this and that task.
= one of the best job in the world.

i said to myself
"awak tak akan tahu apa yang awak dapat sehingga ia hilang"
or dalam bahasa melayunya
"you'll never know what you got till it's gone"

Ya Allah....
come on la Nani
baru setahun kot.
takkan kot.

i'm gonna give commitment a try.
five years, baby, five years.
maybe after that i'll start thinking about lecturer-ing.
enjoy what i have now and i'm sure things will get better.

"saya sotong yang tough!"

p/s Tuhan macam mmg tanak je aku ke interview itu, sebab segala clear holder pejadah sume i tertinggal di langkawi. dh teringat nak bawa balik a week b4 my flight but then hari packing sebenar ianya dilupakan. Tuhan mmg teliti dengan kerjanya, dan Dia tahu apa yang terbaik untuk hambanya :)

alhamdulillah, aku masih ada kesabaran.
sabar nani, 5 tahun tak lama.


Rogayah Suparman said...

Betulkah setough itu carier cikgu ni? Ada sorg cikgu penah ckp, kita yg kena happykan diri kita kat tempat keja, bukan tempat keja yg kena happykan kita. Tapi ianya mmg xsemudah itu kan. Anyway, gud luck sis! I think you make a right decision =)

wanderfulmadnificent said...

teachers have it just as tough as other profession just that we don't work 9-5 and yes, we do get long hols but still...i think malaysians' mentality and perceptions on teachers are gonna be reallyyy hard to change, maybe it wont even change at all!!

nway nani, i think the whole of cohort 2 are qualified to become more than what we are now but then again, if teaching is such a noble job then ironically it fits us so much huh (comforting words i know)

but then again, what keeps me going is the fact that i don't want to live in debt and i don't want when i die, my parents and my family will have to take that burden or even after marriage, i still have to live in debt, that's the only thing that keeps me in this teaching line. some people may be able to do it but i find it difficult to do unless i suddenly become a billionaire! apart from that, i have no obstacle at all, sigh~

hang in there nani chan!

Hannanika Chan said...

@gayah : tough dik oi. if u can't endure it you're doomed. hahaha. saje je nyakat. tough tp fun actually. walaupun bukan pilihan kalbu, ianya jauh lebih baik dr kerja lain yg mungkin menekan jiwa. but it depends kat mana posting and atmosfera sekitar you. you decide!

@maddy : agree agree and agree. living in debt mmg my last choice! anyway, jum gembirakan hati sendiri teachers. we deserve to be happy

shazwani said...

strangely enough, i thought i was the only one who silently suffers in dilemma, disappointment, frustration, un-happiness, loneliness, bitterness, and a lot of other -ness. Heehee... So, i do believe that it is safe to say that I completely understand your take on this. Man, i embodied empathy now! ;P

But Nani kan, as unhappy and miserable as we are of our status- quo, it is very easy for us and others to say - "Sabar2, 5 tahun je.. tak lame. Pejam celik, pejam celik, dah abis bond. Then, feel free to conquer the world.." Kita pn dok ulang2 ayat2 yg sama utk sedapkan ati, tapi tak tersedap2 pn ati sampai sekarang... Camna tuh? :P dok gundah gulana makan ati jugak... Bitter bitter.

I 864% agree with maddy that, all of us, secretly deep down, believe that we are destined and capable of something far more greater than this. Quietly, we all tell ourselves that " Darn it! I'm better than this! I'm effing smart-talented-brilliant, for goodness sake! Then why am I stuck here, wasting my time and potential?! *I'm Smart, Get Me Out Of Here!" Aren't we all, or is it just me..? :P

Don't get us wrong, dear readers. We love teaching. We adore the fact that we are a teacher, We take great pride in it. But, the hanky-panky stuff that comes along with the job, has become too overwhelming and unbearable for us to still maintain as a wide-eyes, idealistic innocent young minds in this profession. We are not being a complete ungrateful, whine-y, bitchy lil' brat who can't hold a job, but man, this is one tough job! It slowly eats you from inside. No wonder the depression and suicidal rate for teachers is sky-rocket.


But, what can I say, Nani? I'm gonna sound like a total broken-record here and join the rest of the cliche - Just Hang In There. 5 tahun je lagi..

Hannanika Chan said...

@shaz :1901% agree. thanks for explaining a lot! i miss the student days. takut tak siap assignment. mannn, that feeling was wayyyy better compared to things i felt during work. whew!

mi amor

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